Sleepless Nights
by Old Russian Lady
Summary: Nicky gets into the same kind of trouble that almost took her life before. Will it take her life this time? Will Red be able to save her daughter?
1. Chapter 1

Looks like it's one of those nights again, Nicky thought as she lay restless in her bed. Her thoughts were swarming with her past. Usually her past is something that she pushed down and tried not to think about; but one time Yoga Jones told her that it might be good to feel her emotions and allow her brain to think about her past. So, taking Jones's advice, Nicky allowed herself to wander.

After a couple of minutes of trying she decided. No, I can't. It won't do me any good. In fact, with my luck, it'll just send me spiraling down hill again. And I've come a lot farther than where I started. No thanks to myself though. It's Red's doing. It's all her. She's the reason I'm doing so good. Nicky instantly felt better; she was able to turn something terrible into something, in her opinion, perfect. That night that Red came into the bathroom and helped her through that terrible detox her first night here, was a night that changed Nicky's life forever.

Nicky rolled over in bed with a smile on her face at her new train of thought. But then...What the... Just as Nicky was settling in, she saw a small bag of something in the corner of her bunk. A white something.

Dread. Fear. Panic.

Nicky knew what it was. Was she imagining things? Was she sleeping...if so this would be a nightmare.

How did it get there? The curiosity was something that Nicky wish would go away. She knew what was going to happen. She knew she wasn't going to be able to put it down once she picked it up. And yet, that didn't seem to matter because she was moving out of bed and towards the bag.

She didn't want to do it but she couldn't help it. She stopped just before she put her hand on the bag. I hate being addicted to this shit...but there is a part of me that misses that high...NO! What good would any part of my current life be if I go down this path again? And Mom. For the first time that night, her heart ached sadness. Red would kill me if she knew I was this close to drugs again. But...it would be harmless to just hold the bag, right?

Nicky was torn. Every part of her mind was telling her to go ahead, that it would be fine. But every part of her heart was telling her that she can't disappoint her mom.

I just won't go too far, that's all. Her mind won. She knew she would hear about it later, but as selfish as it was, she didn't care.

Nicky reached out and grabbed the bag. Still knowing that she shouldn't do it, she looked over to Norma's bed. And then immediately remembered: Norma got reassigned just the day before to another bunk. How Nicky wished she was still there to stop her.

She was weak, and she knew it, but good ol' heroin wouldn't have her to believe that. That's what this drug was- Nicky knew. She lifted the bag up to her ear so she could hear the powder fall from one side of the bag to the other in her fingers. There wasn't any light except for the faint moonlight but she could see it glowing in her mind's eye.

She was thrilled to have her best girlfriend back. She was terrified to have her best girlfriend back. She was amazed at her luck for having this drug in the Litch. She was afraid at her luck for having this drug in the Litch. She fantasized about how she would feel. She feared about how she would feel.

Ahhh. Before she knew it, she took it. Heaven? It's been so long. Nicky sat there, just thinking or not thinking..feeling so good and not having a care in the world. She had no regrets, it was a good decision. Red won't even know by the time the morning comes. I'll be back to normal by then, I'll be fine.

Nicky stayed up for hours wanting to take in as many seconds of this high that she could. She ended up staying up all night; she saw the sun coming up through the window. She was off of the high just like she knew she would be and went to grab the bag in order to throw it away somewhere secret. What she couldn't see last night, but what she did see with the sunlight was black hand writing on the bag. It was written in black sharpie and a little hard to read. After turning the bag this way and that way to try to make it out, Nicky finally found the correct angle.

It read: I hope you enjoy my little present. There will be more where this came from, Junkie.

She sat there puzzled. Nicky heard a cough and, startled, looked up real quick. It was Mendez.

"Morning, Junkie."


	2. Chapter 2

"Next. Next." Gina said as she put one scoop of eggs on each passing tray.

"Hey there, can I get an extra waffle?" Boo wanted to know. Gina just stared at her but, reluctantly gave her the waffle. She was one of her own after all. "Next."

Boo walked over and sat with Morello, Yoga Jones, Alex, & Chapman.

From the kitchen, Red looked over the cafeteria. She took a great amount of pride in knowing that all of these ladies were eating and enjoying the food she prepared. She looked over to where the girls were sitting, blabbing away. But where was her girl? Where was Nicky? Nicky and Morello were usually the first ones in the cafeteria every morning. Red figured she probably just got held up in the bathroom. But it was already 45 minutes into breakfast and she should've been here by now...She pushed the thought out of her mind- for now.

The chit chat was growing louder as people started to wake up more.

"How are all you bitches doing this morning?" Boo asked.

"Well you seem awfully happy today. Sleep on the right side of the bed?" Yoga Jones inquired.

"If an extra waffle is considered the right side of the bed, then yes." They all giggled.

"Anybody seen Nichols?" Morello was looking around.

They all replied with various forms of "No", "Not this morning", or "She wasn't in the bathroom."

After several minutes of the usual morning gossip, in walked Nicky. She didn't say hello, good morning, or even make eye contact. Nicky walked right to the line, grabbed her food, walked over to the far corner of the cafeteria, and sat down by herself facing the wall.

"Wonder what's gotten into her." Boo thought out loud.

"I bet Mommy is just mad at her." Alex chuckled.

"You know what Vause, you really need to stop it with the whole "Mommy" thing with Red & Nichols." Morello defended.

"Why? She's the one who calls her "mommy" all of the time."

"That's because they are close. Whereas you just make fun of them." Morello could feel her cheeks getting red. The table got quiet.

Luckily, breaking the tension, Red walked over and sat with the girls. "Good morning."

"Morning." They all responded like a chorus.

When Nicky walked into the cafeteria, Red noticed her immediately. The moment she walked in, it was as though she sensed her. And why wouldn't she? Nicky is her daughter after all. "Anyone know why Nicky is all the way over there? By herself? Facing away from everyone?" No one answered. I'll figure it out, Red thought to herself.

The time had come for breakfast to be over and for people to begin another day in the Litch. Red was the first to get up from their table, she wanted to catch Nicky before she headed to Electric for work. Faster than Red could put her tray by the trash can was Nicky out the door. Red didn't even see her leave...was she ever even there? That's what it felt like anyway.

Leaving the cafeteria, Red spotted her.

"Nicky!" She called out, trying to get her attention but she was walking away so quickly. "Nicky, wait!" She knew that she heard her because she saw the slightest turn of her head, nevertheless, Nicky kept on walking away.

Luckily, Nicky was headed to work so Red knew she could get her there.

Entering into the room, she say Luschek organizing some tools.

"Nichols. You're early. Like way early. Aren't you suppose to start at like 10? It's 9."

"So maybe I just wanted some time to think to myself, Luschek."

"Umm, ok. I'll just finish later then." He walked out of the room a little confused.

As he was walking out he saw Red coming his way. "Hello, Reznikov. What are you doing down here?"

She ignored his question. "Is Nicky down here?"

"Who?"

"Nicky. Nicky Nichols."

"Oh, right. Yeah, she's in there. I'm not sure why though. She's like an hour early for work."

"Ok, thank you."

"Yup."

From her seat, Nicky could hear Luschek and Red talking. She knew there was no escaping her at this point. She braced herself for what was to come and tried to keep calm, cool, and collected.

"Hello." Red said with a smile when she walked in and saw Nicky sitting at the table fiddling with a light bulb.

"Hi."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Where were you this morning?"

"At breakfast."

"You know what I mean. Nicky." Red spoke in a soft whisper at the mention of Nicky's name.

When Red said her name, she looked up, but wasn't able to meet her mother's eyes.

"Nicky, look at me." Red said in the softest and most gentle tone.

Nicky looked into the eyes of the woman who cared about her the most in her life.

"Tell me what's wrong, please."

Guilt. So much guilt. For more than one reason. The first was what she did. If Red found out she would be so disappointed, and that was the worst. The second was for lying to her...so much guilt.

"I got held up on the bathroom this morning. You know how they have been backing up lately."

Yes, Red knew that this was a very real problem. But she also knew that that was not Nicky's real problem.

"Nicky, I know that's not the truth."

"Well it is, I don't know what else to tell you."

"Sweetheart, a mother knows. It's just one of those things. If you don't want to tell me what's fine. But don't lie to me, please."

"Ok."

"Ok what?"

"I won't lie to you. But I also don't want to tell you."

And that's when Red's heart broke a little. Her darling girl didn't want to tell her what was wrong with her? How was she suppose to help her daughter if she didn't want to open up? Did she not trust her anymore? Did Red do something to make her not trust her?

"Alright." Red whispered. Nicky could hear the hurt in her voice and it hurt her own heart. She knew she couldn't tell her, not after that conversation with Pornstache.

Red looked her daughter in the eyes as she got up to leave. It was plain as day, Red could see the internal struggle, the hesitation written all over Nicky's face. It was a look she knew very well and learned from her daughter in the beginning of their relationship when Nicky still had a drug problem. It was a look that said "I want to tell you. I really, really do. But I just can't."

Red reached out and grabbed Nicky's hand and gave a little squeeze. To her surprise, Nicky squeezed back. For Red, that was all the confirmation she needed to determine that her maternal instincts that told her Nicky wanted to tell her but couldn't were correct. She felt a little relieved but at the same time all the more concerned. She let go of her daughter's hand and walked out of the room.

As she saw her mom turn around and walk out, Nicky wanted to scream out to her. Tell her to stop. Tell her what happened. Tell her how scared she was. But she couldn't. Not after what he said.

*Flashback to this morning*

"Morning, Junkie." Mendez said as he walked into Nicky's bunk and crouched down in front of her.

Nicky stared at him, confused, frustrated, and a little afraid as she sat there on her bunk, level eyed with him.

"Morning."

"I see you found my little present. Did you enjoy it?"

Nicky was silent.

"I'll take that as a yes. I have more, lots more and I can't wait to give it to you. But don't worry, it won't be all at once. It'll be little by little."

"Why?"

"Why? Because I need Red out of the kitchen. She sits in there thinking she runs this shit hole. I hate it. She doesn't own this place and she needs to be taken down. She's bringing in so much illegal contraband it's pathetic. She ought to get more time for this type of little business but no one wants to raise a scandal. That's why I've come up with a secret mission, and you my dear little Nicky make the perfect spy."

Nicky was shaking a little with anger.

"I'm going to keep feeding these drugs to you. And if I'm being honest, that first bag was a test and guess what? You passed because now I know you'll take it. And you will take it."

Mendez stood up a little so he could speak in a deep, whispered voice right in Nicky's ear.

"After a while I'll put you through the worst detox you've ever been through in your life. Then, just blame it on Red. They know about her other contraband, soon enough they'll think they are her drugs too."

Nicky tried her hardest not to let her fear show in her eyes.

"And don't go running to Mommy." He said in a mocking tone. "Because if you do, if you tell her what our little plan is, you'll no longer have a fat ugly Russian cunt to call a mother. Remember Tricia Miller? That's right, I have experience with making murder look like an accident."

Mendez's smile sent chills down Nicky's spine as he stood up to leave. As he got to the doorway of the bunk he turned around and said, "Have a nice day, Junkie."

*End of flashback*

Nicky sat at the table, all by herself, an hour early for work, as she silently cried.


	3. Chapter 3

Work was going by really slow and Nicky was hungry. She didn't eat breakfast, she lost her appetite thanks to what Mendez told her, what he planned to do.

Half a day.

Nicky had been Mendez's "little spy", he called it, for half a day and already it felt like forever. The worst part was keeping it from Red. She asked so many times what was wrong or how she could help. Nicky wasn't going to risk telling her flat out because she believed Pornstache. She knew that he wouldn't hesitate to off her, that's what he wanted anyways, he was just waiting on a reason. And Nicky would rather die herself than to be that reason. Even the hypothetical thought brought Nicky to tears. At the same time, every time Red asked her what was wrong that morning, Nicky felt so heartbroken. She knew Red was just being her mother. To ease Red's mind, Nicky came up with an idea while she was trying to fix the lightbulb.

*In the kitchen just before lunch*

"Norma would you open that box and wash the lettuce? I've got to cut up the onions." Red was taking charge like she always did. Some people thought she was too snobby or rude with the little authority running the kitchen gave her but if you knew her, you would know that that is just how she talks; she cared too deeply about her girls in the kitchen to actually intend to be rude.

Nicky was walking in and stood off to the side. Almost instantly Red looked up from cutting the onions, saw her and gave the smallest of smiles, however she looked right back down and continued to chop away. Her daughter came to her, she wasn't about to scare her away by prying as to why she had come down here. Red knew.

"Hey, Ma."

"Hello, Nicky."

Silence.

"What's for lunch?"

"Mashed potatoes. But I'm also going to make a salad."

"Boxed mashed potatoes?" A little frown forming at the corners of Nicky's mouth.

"Not for you. I know how you like them: washed, peeled- but not all of the way because you like some shreds of the skin, and beat- by hand and not mixer because it's easier to make sure there are little chunks of potato in with the mashed."

"Sounds like a lot of work for only one person to eat those potatoes that way." Butted in Gina from the back behind the prep table.

Nicky's cheeks went a little red with embarrassment.

"Nonsense. I'd do almost anything for my girls, Gina you know that, you all know that." Red said matter of factly, looking over her shoulder at Gina. Looking back at Nicky she continued but in a whisper so that only Nicky could hear, "And for you, I'd do anything."

That light hearted and fluffy feeling that always came when Red made any kind of reference that she was her favorite or even just the fact that she was her daughter, filled Nicky with so much love for her mom. Being reminded of this, she decided it was time to get on with the reason why she came down here.

"So, eh, Mom. Do you have a couple of minutes to spare this evening?" She was talking like Red was the busiest sales woman she knew and she was in the middle of making a big deal.

"Yes, of course, sweetheart." Red was relieved.

"Ok."

"Do you want me to come to your bunk after dinner?"

"Umm, it's got to be later than that. Can you come at like 10?"

"I'll be there."

"Thanks."

And before another word could be uttered by either one of them, she walked away.

Nicky walked out of the back and went to sit down with the rest of the girls who were just arriving for lunch.

"Well look who it is." Boo was the first one to sit down.

Morello went straight for a hug, which Nicky could've used. "Where have you been? Are you alright? I've been so worried!" All of this was muffled due to her face being nestled against Nicky's shoulder.

"It's only been like 5 hours." Nicky said, trying to lighten her mood.

"Well...I suppose. But still, are you ok?"

"I will be. Don't worry." They sat down next to each other.

Thankfully, lunch went by like normal. Everyone seemed happy like they all usually were and the conversation flowed nicely like it usually always did. And that's the way Nicky came across on the outside. But on the inside, Nicky was filled with fear and terror. She was so afraid that she was going to tell Red something and Red would tell Mendez to back off. Even if Nicky told her that if Pornstache found out that she knew anything about his plan then he would kill her, Red would still confront him. She was stubborn like that. She was protective like that. That's Mom, Nicky's her little girl. It made Nicky think of the conversation they had just an hour ago..."And for you, I'd do anything."

Ma...

Lunch was over. Dinner was over. Before they knew it the inmates' day was coming to an end. Nicky looked at the clock in the hall: 8:15. She was walking to her bunk keeping her head down, thinking about how she was going to word this all to Red and then...umpfh.

"Hey watch were you're-"

"Where are you off to, my little spy?"

Clearly startled, Nicky tried to keep her voice from shaking, "I was on my way to my bunk."

"Not yet you're not. Come on."

Pornstache took her by the arm and directed her down the hall in the opposite direction and into a utility closet.

"Ok, this is the part where you don't say a word and take this. All of it." He stuck out his hand with a bag of heroin in it.

Nicky hesitated. She was in such a clean state that just that one time this morning didn't make her want more. But she knew her body- this would give her the cravings, she was sure of it. This would start her on that addictive path that she hated so much.

"You need to do this. We aren't leaving until you do, and even then you should probably stay behind so the high can wear off. Wouldn't want anyone to get suspicious."

Trying to stall she suggested, "Won't people get suspicious once I start detoxing?"

"Well that's just the thing, Junkie. You're not going to detox- not yet anyway. I'll give you some before that happens this time, don't you worry your pretty little head about that."

"This time? What about next time?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Now come on, snort up."

She had no choice, she did just that.

As the amount of heroin was getting smaller and smaller, Pornstache said "It's better if you don't hesitate next time. You hesitate, I think that you're second guessing this whole thing. You're showing me that you think you have a choice in the matter and let me tell you, you don't. Don't let me think that you think weaseling your way out of this is possible, because it's not. That Russian bitch is going down and it will be all your fault. I can't wait! Can you? Yeah, I bet you can, but that doesn't matter."

Nicky managed to take all of the heroin.

"Good. Now you listen to me: stay in here until you think you can go out there without causing attention to yourself. If you leave before and someone notices, the old Moscow Mule dies. Remember our agreement: she finds out about any of this, if she even gets the slightest idea, I'll kill her. I want the timing to be perfect. So she can't find out until I'm ready."

Nicky thought he sounded like a psychopath who thought this was not a big deal.

"I'll see you when it's time for your next dose." And he left the room, locking the door from the outside behind him.

She looked out the window in the door and luckily was able to see the clock on the wall. It was 9:00. It was possible that she was going to be sober enough to talk to Red in an hour. This was the worst high she had ever been on. She decided to feel her emotions. She cried, she shook with anger, she was silent when she decided to feel her fear. She was heartbroken when she thought of Red.

Red.

Mom.

Ma.

Mommy.

Nicky needed her now and where was she? Locked in a closet, high as a kite, and purposely staying away from her. Oh how Nicky wished this had been her own doing so she could just go to her mom and take whatever punishment she wanted to give her and then everything would be back to normal eventually because Nicky would never do drugs again. Not knowing what else to do, she looked at the clock: 9:55. She evaluated how she felt...she was almost alright.

I'll just go to the bathroom and wash my face before I get to my bunk, she thought, and she did. She left the room and headed to the bathroom.

After washing her face and taking a few deep breathes, she headed to her bunk. It was 10:01 and Red was sitting on her bed already.

"Where have you been?"

"Oh, Mommy." She sobbed and threw her arms around Red's neck.

Without letting go of their embrace, Red walked backwards towards the bed so that they could sit, all the while hugging ever so tightly. Once they were situated, Red rubbed small circles on her daughters back to try to calm her down. She was silent, which Red was grateful for- she didn't want to wake anyone up, but she was sobbing. Red whispered to her "Deep breathes. Shhhh. It's ok, I'm here. I'm here." As she was trying her best to soothe her girl, she thought to herself: something tells me it's going to be a sleepless night.


	4. Chapter 4

Nicky didn't come around to calming down for about 45 minutes. The entire 45 minutes Red didn't let go. A couple of times Nicky tried to breakaway from the embrace while she was still crying but Red would just say "Not yet, sweetheart. Shhh. It's alright." Only once she was calm did Red bring her hands around and cup the sides of Nicky's face.

Red's eyes, so filled with love, so filled with concern, and only slightly teary, looked deep into Nicky's and asked, "My darling girl, what's wrong?"

"You..." Nicky was trying to place her words in a very careful way.

"Me? What did I do?"

Frustrated at her situation, Nicky blurted out, "Nothing, you didn't do anything and that's why this is so stupid." Nicky was both angry and sad.

"What is? I don't understand."

"I can't tell you."

Red mumbled, "Ok." And dropped her eyes.

"C'mom Ma, don't get all sad on me like that. I'm dealing with inner turmoil here. Look," Nicky took her mother's hands in her own and Red looked back up at her, "I've gotten into some trouble. Deep trouble. The kind of trouble that could send me to prison." Nicky tired to get that look off of Red's face by saying the last part of her sentence with a little joking tone.

"You are in prison." Red whispered, in a tone that sent chills down Nicky's spine. She didn't know what to make of the tone. The little joke didn't work. The look was one of shock, horror, and disbelief.

With tears starting to form in her eyes again, she whispered, "Mom, I've got to distance myself from you." That was the hardest thing Nicky ever said in her life.

"Why?" Red replied unsure and also with tears forming in her eyes.

"Because the kind of trouble I'm in could get you into trouble too. Big trouble, deeper than me. Please, I can't explain too much."

"Nicky, you're speaking like you're some sort of little spy on a mission or- ."

"Stop." Nicky sobbed and choked out as a whisper. She started to cry again. "It's got to be confusing to you and that's understandable. I'm really confused about it too if I'm being honest. But I need you to promise me something."

"Anything."

"Please, Mommy please, don't ask me questions about what is wrong. I can't tell you because if I do then..." thinking about Mendez's words Nicky cried like she never had before.

At this, Red openly wept. She saw her daughter, sitting there in front of her, obviously in pain, obviously hurting, obviously uncomfortable, obviously terrified, obviously bond by someone else's word to swear to tell her nothing, and yet there wasn't anything she could do about it. It broke her heart to no end.

"So what can I do to help you?"

"Just hold me." Without thinking about it, her motherly instincts were triggered and Red grabbed her and pulled her close, both of them still crying. "And when I come to you, comfort me. Tell me I'm stronger than this, even though you can't know what it's about. Tell me I'm your favorite, call me your girl. Stay by my side through all of this, even if I disappoint you because you gotta know this isn't my fault or my doing. Don't stop trusting me even if it seems like you shouldn't because you've gotta remember I'm not doing this because I want to."

Throughout all of this, Red was silent.

"Ma, you hear me? You alright?" She sat up right and looked at Nicky's beautiful brown eyes and said "Are you scared?"

"Yes."

"Should I be scared?"

"Yes."

"Ok. Now it's your turn to listen to me. Nicky, I am here for you. All of the time, every hour of every day. If you need come and find me, even if I'm asleep, wake me up. I see you hurting, dying to tell me what the trouble is but I can also see that you can't, for whatever reason. I accept that and won't ask you anymore as long as you promise me that you'll come to me when you need that comfort that you were talking about. Don't ever hesitate to find me and ask for that, you understand?"

"Yeah, Ma, ok."

"Alright, I'm going to bed now, it's very late. It's probably early morning at this point, we have been talking for hours."

Red stood up to leave but felt a tug on her arm. She looked down and Nicky had grabbed her hand.

"Yes?"

Nicky just looked up at her with those big brown eyes of hers.

"You want me to stay." It wasn't a question, Red knew her daughter's facial expressions and man, did she have some funny ones sometimes. But she also had ones that pulled at Red's heartstrings and this was one of them.

"Alright, I'll stay. But only until you fall asleep. We can't get into more trouble."

She said "we." She was counting herself in the trouble that Nicky was in. This reminded Nicky that Red is on her side and always will be.

The last thing Nicky remembered from that night was whispering "...love you.." And hearing it back.


	5. Chapter 5

It was late and Red was tired. She hadn't been getting much sleep the past few nights, she was too worried about Nicky. She was grateful for tonight though.

She was scared. So scared. Nicky was in trouble and she didn't know how to help. She looked down at her daughter, sleeping peacefully.

She looks so young and innocent when she sleeps, Red thought. She gently let go of Nicky's hand, which Nicky insisted she hold until she fell asleep, and reached up to stroke Nicky's wavy hair. It looked like a mess, but was extremely soft and you had to be gentle with it. Much like her daughter. Nicky was the most precious thing to Red at this point in their lives, and she wanted it to stay that way for as long as possible.

Red stood up from Nicky's bed and was getting ready to leave when something in her turned around and bent over to kiss Nicky on the forehead and whisper in her ear "I love you, my little girl." If Red hadn't been so tired, she would've believed that she heard "I love you too, Ma."

The next few days passed all too quickly. Nicky's eyes opened one morning and were still begging for sleep. She sat up and collected her things to go the bathroom when she heard a cough. Oh, Christ, Nicky thought.

She looked up and it was who she feared, Mendez.

"How are you this morning?"

"I've been better."

"Ready to talk a walk."

"Not really."

"Then let's go."

Knowing, especially in the broad day light in front of everyone that she couldn't make a scene, she went with him.

"To the closet, you know where to go." They walked down the hall and he opened the closet door for her. "That's right, in you go." He handed her the little bag with the heroin in it. "You've missed it this time haven't you, Junkie?"

If Nicky was being completely honest with herself, she knew she needed to take it in order to avoid detoxing. But she said "No." She took it from his hand and began to snort it.

"You're getting good at this. I haven't heard one complaint. Must mean you need it at this point. Am I right?"

Nicky was, again, terrified. He knew. He knew and now it was only a matter of time before he decided to put the final step of his plan into action. She didn't know what to say or what to think.

"Alright, I'm going to see how your ol' mommy is doing in the kitchen. You wait here until you're clean to leave, you know the drill. Don't worry, I won't tell Mommy what you're doing right now, wouldn't want her upset with you." And he left, locking the door behind him.

Thinking of Red, Nicky started to cry. She had been doing a lot of that lately: thinking of Red or crying or sometimes both at the same time. And now Pornstache was going to talk to her- who knows what about...to whatever gods would hear her, Nicky prayed: Ma, please be careful. At that thought she lived out the rest of her high in misery.

*In the back of the kitchen*

"Don't worry about that box Norma, I'll get it. Could you wash that pan? We need it for the eggs."

"Scrambled? Or sunny side up?"

Red stopped dead in her tracks. Mendez.

"We are making both to give the girls some variety today."

"Variety? You like variety? Like some good, some bad? Good girls? Bad girls?"

"What are you saying?"

"All I'm saying is that variety is good. If someone is never bad then you can't appreciate it when they are good, right?"

"I don't know." Red was trying to get him to leave, she didn't have time for his bullshit today- she was too tired from staying up talking with Nicky, which she didn't regret at all. She would stay up nights on end if Nicky needed to tell her about something..wait... Red thought for a moment about what Mendez was just saying...Shit! This pig fucker had something to do with her girl's trouble, no doubt he is her girl's trouble. Realization hit Red faster than a speeding train and remembering Nicky's words "... the kind of trouble I'm in could get you into trouble too. Big trouble, deeper than me...Are you afraid? Yes...Should I be afraid? Yes"... Furious with the man in front of her and an almost uncontrollable rage about to take over her, Red tried to stay as calm as possible. She decided to play it off, "I suppose so."

"Good, I'm glad you agree." He turned and walked away, but before he was gone and turned his head and whispered, "Oh and Red, you ought to watch your girls."

Red looked at him blankly.

He walked away.

Red looked at Norma, who was already looking at her. That icy tone of Mendez's would cause anyone to feel threatened. "Norma, I've got to go. Will you take over? I'll only be gone for a half hour at most." The last part was more of a hope than a promise. She had to go find her. Nicky was in trouble and she had an unshakeable feeling that she knew what kind of trouble, she just hoped to God she was wrong.

Knock, knock.

Mendez knocked on the door of the utility closet when he didn't see Nicky anywhere else. He opened the door, "Oh there you are Sunshine, I've been looking all over for you."

Nicky was silent, her high was gone but she wasn't ready to leave the room yet.

"What's wrong? Hey I know something that'll cheer you up: I talked to Mommy!" He said in such a mocking enthusiastic way it made Nicky's stomach turn.

"And what did she say?" Nicky asked groggily, half playing along and half genuinely curious.

"She didn't say much, other than you're having your choice of scrambled or sunny side up eggs for breakfast. I did tell her that she needs to watch out for her girls."

For the first time that day, Nicky looked him directly in the eye.

"I think she is slowly putting two and two together. It'll be soon that I'll bust her, don't you worry. You won't be hooked on these drugs for much longer. In fact, I think we can go ahead and say that that was your last dose. What has it been 6 days? A week? That's plenty of time right? I think so, you were a hard core junkie, I'm surprised going from breakfast to dinner didn't affect you. So, sober up and then be prepared to detox, little spy."

Terrified, afraid, and scared, Nicky wasn't ready to face what he had in store for Red, she could care less about detoxing, that's something that she could get through, as long as her mom was by her side. No she wasn't concerned about herself, she was afraid for Red. Not knowing what to do she said "No."

"Oh good, I was hoping you would beg. But yes, you'll start detoxing and I'll set up the rest. You've done such s good job! Well done, little spy."

And he left, looking the door behind him again. Nicky sat in silence and sobbed, whispering "Mommy where are you? I need you..help me..please..."

Red was raging through the halls, looking in every bunk and in every room and in every bathroom for Nicky. Asking everybody she saw if they had seen her, every answer was "No."

It took everything in her power not to start calling out for her, but she didn't want it to be that extremely obvious what she was doing. After almost an hour of searching the entirety of Litchfield, she felt defeated and went back to the kitchen to Norma.

Once there, Norma looked up to Red smiling, as if to say "You found her?" But Red just sadly shook her head and whispered "No." Norma's smile left her face. "Norma, will you take the kitchen? I've... I got to.." Red didn't know what she was trying to say. But being the best friend and sister that she was, Norma nodded with a small smile and shooed Red away encouragingly.

"Thank you." Red mumbled and walked to the bathroom where she knew no one would be. She cried and cried harder. Where was her darling girl? Her poor Nicky...Her crying was turning into loud sobs that no doubt could be heard outside of the bathroom, but she didn't care. It had been almost a week she had been holding this in.

Nicky decided to leave the closet, she was on her way to the kitchen to get food. It wasn't breakfast time anymore but she knew her mom would give her something to eat, maybe she'd get lucky and have those de lieu out mashed potatoes she makes. The thought put a little smile on her face. As she was walking towards the kitchen, she heard sobs. She knew who it was, it was Red, it was her mother and she felt her heart break. She had seen Red cry before, a few times for various reasons. Most of her tears coming from Nicky telling her stories about life with her biological mother. But Nicky had never heard Red son like that. It sounded like she was in pain, no deeper than pain. Like wounded? Maybe. Nicky walked into the bathroom expecting to see her mother and that's who it was.

Red saw her coming in the mirror, she turned around slowly. Nicky said nothing, Red said nothing, no words were exchanged but looking in each other's eyes told them everything they each needed to know. Nicky walked up to Red slowly, almost hesitating. When she got about 3 feet away, Red ran into her daughter's waiting arms.

"Where...have..you..bee..been?" Red managed between sobs.

By now Nicky was crying as well. "I was alone, if that eases your mind. Or at least for the majority of the time I was alone." She wasn't about to lie to her, not like this, not ever again.

"I know."

"You know?" At Nicky's question, Red released her daughter from her arms and looked into her eyes."I know about Mendez. He came to talk to me this morning and I figured he was your trouble. But answer me this: it is drug related isn't it?" Red bit her lip, not wanting her suspicions to be confirmed.

"Yes." Nicky's eyes dropped. Red saw the guilt on her face. The same guilt and shame she used to see there when Nicky first go to Litchfield. Only getting this look when speaking about her problem with Red, and Red being the only one to fix it. She put two fingers underneath Nicky's chin and gently lifted her face so that she could look into her eyes. But Nicky was fighting her and kept her head down.

"Hey." Red tried to get her attention. "My darling girl, look at me."

Nicky was still struggling, not wanting to meet the eyes of the person she loved most. She had flashbacks of seeing nothing but disappointment in her mother's eyes at times like this and she didn't want to see it there again.

"Look at me."

Willing to face the consequences, Nicky looked up. She gasped. She didn't see hatred, or disappointment, or anger like she was excepting. All she saw was love and compassion and gentleness. It was as if her and Red truly had a special connection because as she was thinking these thoughts, Red started to speak.

"This isn't your fault, remember? You didn't do this." Even though she was speaking these words, she could see in her daughter's eyes that the old addicted person she once was had risen to the surface. Red slide her hands from the sides of Nicky's face down to her shoulders.

"Nicky, this is not your fault."

"I did drugs."

"It's not your fault."

"I did something you told me not to do."

"It's not your fault."

"I disappointed you, I didn't listen to you."

"It's not your fault."

"But I-"

"Nicky!" Red almost yelled, not out of frustration, but only to get her daughter's attention. And it worked, "Listen to what I'm saying: this is not your fault."

"It's not my fault."

"That's my girl." And Red kissed her forehead. They hugged for a long time.

After a while, Nicky broke away, "You know that I'm going to detox tonight, right?"

"I know."

"You'll be there with me, right?"

"My girl, I'll be there with you always."

Nicky smiled.

"Are you hungry? I saved you some scrambled eggs."

"Scrambled?"

"I know what you like and I know what you don't like- liquid yolk like in sunny side up eggs."

"Wow, it's like you really are my mom."

"Kid, I really am your mom." And she kissed the top of her head as they hugged once more.

With that, they both walked to the kitchen.

As happy as she was to know that her daughter was back in her care now, she couldn't shake the feeling that Mendez wasn't through with them yet.


	6. Chapter 6

"Alright here you go." Red said as she pulled up a chair to the table in the kitchen. "You sit there and I'll get you something from the back for you. What would you like?"

"Oh, anything is fine Mom, honestly."

"Peanut butter and jelly?"

"That's fine."

"Strawberry jelly with the crust cut off."

"You know me too well." Nicky said with a smile.

"I'll be back." She winked and left.

Nicky was so grateful that Red knew what was wrong. Even though she had something terrible to go through starting..well really any minute now at this point, she felt completely safe and secure knowing that Red was with her. She was back with her mom, just the way she needed it to be. And she knew Red felt the same way. All Nicky could see for the last hour or so in her mother's eyes was relief and love. Nicky was so relieved, at least for the time being.

I wonder what's taking Red so long? Nicky thought to herself. And then she heard a voice that made her shake in her seat.

"Look what we have here. It looks like a family reunion to me. Mommy and daughter together at last." It was Mendez.

"What are you doing here? I thought we were done."

"Oh yes, you and I are done. But not me and your old mommy. Remember the point of all of this? I know you remember little spy come on. Where is Red anyway?"

Nicky panicked, what was she going to do. Did she go get Red? Did she try to stall and wait until Red came back? Did she try to protect Red by running out of the kitchen and hoping Pornstache would follow her?

"Oh, I almost forgot. I know how you love that heroin I've been giving you. Wouldn't it be awesome if your mommy got some too? Don't you want to spread the wealth as they say? This here a special concoction. And plus look..." He pulled out a small metal object. Nicky couldn't tell what it was until he opened his hand and held it out for her to see.

Nicky gasped, "A needle."

"That's right, but not just any needle."

Nicky feared his next words.

"It's a dirty needle, I've made sure of it. Where I got this from, you don't want to know. But I can tell you this, there's no telling what disease you can get from this. The guy didn't even want to sell it to me, he said it would kill me before any of the drugs ever would."

Nicky was horrified. She knew all of the possibilities and one was no better than the next: Hepatitis, HIV, Tetanus, Cellulitis, Thrombophlebitis, Necrotising Fasciitis...any or all of these could wind up killing you. And knowing Pornstache...Nicky involuntarily shivered. She had no idea what to do.

"So, where's Mommy, I wanna give this to her."

Nicky, being the childlike girl that she was in situations like this, did the one thing that she probably logically should not have done, but the one that felt the most natural: she ran to the back to Red. She ran to her mom. Nicky got up from her chair so fast that it fell over. And Pornstache ran right after her.

Once in the back, her eyes were like little maniacs looking for Red.

"Mom!" She cried out, she couldn't help it. "Mom! Where are you?"

"I'm back here."

"Mom, Mom, Mommy...he's coming!"

"What, what is it? Who?"

She grabbed her daughter by the shoulders and looked deep into her eyes, begging for understanding.

"Mendez." Nicky whispered with terror so evident in her small voice.

"It'll be alright. Look at me! It will. Just stay back here, stay hidden. Promise me?"

"Mommy... he's got...he's got a needle...a dirty needle. He's going to try to stick you with it. He wants to kill you, that's been his plan all along. Ma you've got to be careful. That needle really could kill you...don't get close to him...get him out of here."

"Shhhh. Calm down, or at least try to. It'll be alright. I will be careful, I promise you that. I need you to do something for me, Nicky. I need you to stay hidden back here. Ok?" Red broke the embrace that they had been holding this whole time. She kissed the top of her head and whispered, "Stay here. You are going to be safe."

"Ma, it's you. He doesn't want me. You should be the one back here, not me. But I'm so scared. He's been making me take those drugs for so many days...now he is going to make you take this and..and.." Nicky couldn't get out the words.

Red knew what she was going to say and was grateful that her daughter wasn't able to utter the words.

"My girl, listen to me. It's not going to happen. I'm going to be fine, you're going to be fine. I'm going to go out there and get him to leave then I'm coming back to get you, ok?"

"Ok. Be careful."

"I will."

"I love you."

"I love you more, Nicky."

And with that, she left the little back corner they had been huddled in.

As Red walked back up to where she knew she would find the man who was hurting her girl, she went from a soft and comforting mommy to a fierce, protective mother bear.

"There you are, Red. How are you?"

"Pissed off, that's how I am."

"Oh, you do not want to start this out like that."

"Oh really? And why is that?"

"Because that just means you'll put up a bigger fight, and I don't want to deal with that."

Before she had time to respond, he lunged at her with the needle in hand, ready to stab her in the heart if he could.

He missed her and wasn't able to stab her, but while trying to dodge him, he tripped her and she fell to the floor with a loud cry.

Nicky heard the cry from the back, "Ma..." Nicky did the thing she knew Red would do for her, she went out there to fight her battle for her, at least help her fight her battle.

"Oh look who is joining the party." Mendez said excitedly.

"You're supposed to stay back there.." Red said in as a strong a voice she could as she was wincing in pain getting up from the floor.

Mendez spun around from facing Nicky and faced Red. "How am I suppose to get you in the heart if you keep fighting? Let me help you get rid of some of that energy."

He punched her back down to the floor and began to kick her ribs, hard, all the while Red was crying out and groaning in pain, not able to help herself.

Nicky took one look at her mother. Her beautiful mother, inside and out. Her precious mother who did nothing but protect her and love her and comfort her. Her beloved mother who wanted nothing but the best for her. Her self sacrificing mother who would rather this happen to her a million times than for it to happen to Nicky once.

With these thoughts driving her, Nicky ran into Mendez and tackled him to the ground; he was twice her size.

"Get off of me." He yelled.

He was able to flip over with her in a headlock and pinned her down to the ground.

"Alright, you asked for it." He raised his arm high in the sky and sent his fist with the needle ready to stab her.

Nicky's eyes became so big she thought they might pop out of her head. Her worst fear... She looked over at her mother who was already looking at her but couldn't move if her life depended on it, she was hurt to the point of brokenness. All Nicky could think, and she hoped her eyes showed it to her mother, "I'd rather it be me than you."

Mendez's fist slammed into Nicky's chest and she cried out as the needle broke her skin and he sent the drug surging through her bloodstream.

After what felt like hours but in reality was only about 3 seconds he said, "Well that was not how this was suppose to go." And he got up and walked out of the kitchen like nothing happened.

Nicky laid there, gasping as Red tried her best to crawl over to her.

"Nicky ." Red reached out and grabbed her hand. "Can you breathe ok?"

Nicky nodded her head, ever so slowly.

"I'm going to go find a phone..Healy's office..you need..hospital.." Red could feel her own breathing becoming raspy. She knew she had a punctured lung.

All Nicky could do was close her eyes, her body was going through shock.

Red took that as an ok, and tried to get up. She managed to get to her feet but was hunched over very far to protect her lungs. In all honesty, she couldn't believe she was able to walk, but she looked at her girl... She was her strength. She could do this, for her. Anything for her. Anything for her Nicky.

"Hurry.." was all Nicky could get out.

"I'll go as fast as I can."

Red hobbled out of the kitchen as best she could, down the hall to Healy's office. It was 9pm and the other girls were in their bunks for the night, thankfully.

Red got to Healy's door and knocked, she opened before he replied.

"Oh my God! Red what happened?" He rose to his feet and rushed to her side so quickly it was like magic.

"Need..hospital..."

"Yes of course, I'll walk you down to the hospital wing right now!"

"Not me..Nicky...Nicky needs...hospital..now."

"Where is she? Ill get her to the hospital wing as well. But since you're here already let me take you then I'll take her."

"Not this hospital..She needs bigger..more equipment..actual doctors, not nurses.."

"So what are you saying, you want me to call 911 and get an ambulance here?

"Please...she's going to...die.."

"Ok, I'll call right now." And he did.

As the ambulance was on its way, Red insisted that they go back to the kitchen to get Nicky while Healy insisted that they go to the hospital wing. As best she could, Red gave Healy one of those looks that could make someone's ass leak, and to the kitchen they went.

Nicky was curled up in a ball on the floor and shaking. Red rushed to her side as best she could and knelt down.

"An ambulance is on its way, don't worry. Help is coming."

For some reason, her voice became stronger.

Healy stood in the corner because Red suggested he should.

"Ma..."

"Shhh, it's alright. It's ok..." Red soothed, running her fingers through her daughter's hair as gently as she could, providing as much comfort as was possible considering the state she was in herself.

"They are here." Healy's voice came from the corner, and a couple of paramedics came in with a stretcher. Before hand, Healy explained to the guards up front where the paramedics needed to go: the kitchen.

The paramedics came over and loaded Nicky onto the stretcher, all the while Nicky was silently crying and shaking. Red thought the worst: her detox was coming on top of this, was it terrible to hope that the drugs she just took would delay the detox? It didn't matter, she was going to the hospital, she was going to get help...she hoped.

Red walked right by the stretcher all the way out to the ambulance.

"Mommy, I'm so scared." Nicky said as they were wheeling her out, she reached out and grabbed her mother's hand.

"You're going to be ok. You'll be back in this place before you know it. They are going to help you. You'll be back here soon."

They reached the ambulance and the paramedics wheeled Nicky inside. Red was allowed to go in for a minute to say goodbye.

"I'm going to die...I know what the needle can do.."

"No you're not, don't say that." Red commanded, tears streaming down her cheeks. "You're going to come back to me, you will...you have to..."

"I love you."

"I love you more, Nicky."

And with those words, Red let go of her daughter's hand and crawled out of the ambulance. The ambulance drove away, and Red started praying to a god that she didn't believe in that that wasn't the last time she would see her precious girl.

At almost 1am, in the middle of the front lawn of Litchfield, Red sat on the ground and cried harder than she ever thought she could and knew she would have a sleepless night.


	7. Chapter 7

Walking back to her bunk, Red couldn't stop crying. It wasn't even a boo who kind of crying, she was silent, but tears streamed down her cheeks like waterfalls, there wasn't a way to stop them so she just let them flow. And her pain? She didn't care about her lung or her bruises. Her heart ache was overriding it.

Nicky. My girl. My beautiful girl..what will happen? I...I... Red's mind was swarming with possibilities both good..and bad.

She got to her bunk and sat down on her bed. She wasn't even tired. Nicky had been out of her sight for all of 20 minutes and already she missed her like she had been gone for years. She laid down on her side, brought her knees up to her chest and silently cried for hours, thinking about nothing but Nicky, until the sun shine came through her window.

Piper opened her eyes and looked over at Red, "Good morning."

Red said nothing.

Seeing that her eyes were blood shot she asked, "Long night?" Piper didn't know what happened, her comment was sincere, Red couldn't be mad at her for it.

Red said nothing.

"Ok then." And she got up to go to the bathroom.

*In the kitchen*

"Where is Red? She's the one that came up with the rule that we all be here an hour before breakfast to start prepping." Gina was being a sensitive little squirrel today.

"She probably just over slept, it happens to the best of us." Morello tried to keep a light atmosphere even though she had to admit that it was very, very unlike Red to be late to things, especially when dealing with the kitchen.

Now Norma was a little bit of a different story. She knew something was up with her and Nicky but didn't know exactly what it was but she suspected that Red was with Nicky somewhere. Norma didn't want to let the others know in case it was real deep trouble, she had to protect the family as best she could when Red wasn't around.

"Whatever, let's just get on with it like normal." Gina grumbled. And they did.

When it was time to eat, the girls left the kitchen to sit with the rest of the group.

"Morning everyone." Boo was always so cheery in the mornings compared to the others.

"Hey, Chapman."

"Yeah?"

"You're Red's bunkie. What's she up to?" Morello knew Piper would know something.

"Oh, yeah. She ummm...well I don't know really. She was just laying there in bed. She didn't get up, she didn't even say hello or good morning. I tried talking to her, but I got no response. Her eyes were real red, like she had been up all night and was exhausted. But then she seemed so depressed, maybe it was from crying...or both, who knows?"

"Well what about Nichols? She needs to not make this a habit of coming in super late to breakfast everyday." Morello couldn't hide her concern.

"That's right, it is the most important meal of the day. It's gets the metabolism started."

"Jones, do you always have to give a health lesson?" Boo said and the girls smiled.

Norma shrunk a little in her seat, unfortunately it didn't go unnoticed.

"Norma, you know something?" Morello was going to get to the bottom of this.

Norma just looked at Morello. "Well will you go see what's going on with Red, at least? If you already know something then I'm sure she won't mind sharing some more with you."

Norma nodded.

"After breakfast?"

She nodded again.

And they carried on.

After breakfast, as promised, Norma went to Red's bunk and sure enough, she was laying there with her knees up to her chest and tears occasionally leaking from her eyes.

Norma gasped, partially as a natural reaction and partially to let Red know she was there.

Red's eyes moved just slightly to make eye contact with Norma but she was still silent.

Norma walked over to her and knelt in front of her. Her eyes imploring Red to explain.

"Nicky.." was all Red managed.

Norma looked at Red and felt her heart ache. Her best friend, laying in front of her, was in such a state of, what looked like mourning if Norma was being honest. That's when Norma feared the worst. She still didn't know what was going on, but if Red wasn't with Nicky and Red was acting like this, then it could not be good. Norma's eyes watered a little.

Norma looked at Red and Red knew she wanted to know what happened. Red didn't know if she could speak the words, but she tried.

"Nicky..Nicky's at...hospital." Red choked out between sobs. Speaking it made it all the more real.

Norma just gawked at her.

"Get the girls together and go ask Healy. He will tell you...I can't..." Red let her last words just drift off into space as she began to weep.

Norma winced at her best friend's sobs, she sounded so wounded. Red's heart ache was so severe and plain to see.

"I don't want anyone to come talk to me once you all find out. I want to be alone, and even if you did, I can't talk about it at all, I can barely say this..."

Norma put her hand on Red's shoulder and Red knew that that meant that Norma understood. She gave her shoulder a little squeeze and left to go gather the girls.

*In Healy's Office*

"She's where?" Morello burst into tears immediately.

"Look ladies, all I know is that Nichols was somehow given a combination of a lot of heroin through a dirty needle as well as starting a detox, however I think those two might have canceled each other out. But yes, she was taken by ambulance to a hospital late last night."

"When will she be back?" Gina asked.

"I don't know."

"Is she alright?" Morello said through her tears.

"I don't know that either. I'm sorry, but there isn't anything I can do until the hospital calls and lets me know when..well I've got to wait for the hospital's call." Healy had to stop himself, he didn't know when or if Nichols was coming back.

"Is she going to die?" Morello asked, her heart breaking at the thought.

"I'm sorry, but I don't know. Red was talking to me last night about it, and she said that it is possible."

At this, all of the girls had tears forming in their eyes.

"I'm sorry. I will let you know when I know more." was all Healy could think of to say and he asked them to go about their day as best they could.

Once out in the hall way, Morello said, "I'm going to Red!"

Norma put her hand on her shoulder to stop her and when Morello turned around, Norma shook her head no.

"Why?"

Norma gave Morello the saddest look she could.

"She wants to be alone?"

Norma gave a small nod.

"Alright." Morello sniffled. "Well what are we going to do?" And they all just looked at each with tears in their eyes.

*In Red's Bunk*

I have to see her. I have to talk to her. I have to know that she is ok, Red's mind was not letting her rest, but at the same time did she even want to rest? When her girl was out there, maybe dying, maybe already dead, did Red really want to rest? No. She got up for the first time that day and walked slowly to Healy's office. She passed by several people who said "Hello" or "Good afternoon." Or "Missed you at breakfast, hope to see you at lunch." But Red ignored all of them. She kept her head straight and her eyes in front of her, she still had the occasional tear slip down her cheek.

She didn't remember the walk to Healy's office. All she knew was one minute she was in her bed and now she was about to knock on Healy's door. Her mind was somewhere else...

She knocked.

"Come in."

She opened the door and stood in the doorway.

"Red, how are you holding up?"

She ignored his question.

"I need to see her."

"She's still at the hospital."

"I need to see her." Red repeated, desperation clearly in her tone.

"You do know that I can't send you to the hospital. You are in prison, don't forget."

"I know."

"Then why ask?"

"Because maybe you would say yes."

"Well I won't be saying yes to that request."

"Alright." And she left.

Every hour, on the hour from 9amm until 9pm, Red got up from her bed, went to Healy's office and had the same exact dialogue. She did this for the first 3 days.

*At breakfast*

"Guys I'm really starting to get really concerned about Red." Piper said. She was her bunkie, so she knew what Red did while in the bunk. "Have you noticed her routine? I mean, every hour on the hour like 10 times a day or something she gets up and goes to Healy's office. She's never gone for more than 15 minutes. I guess she goes to the bathroom when she's out because she doesn't go when it's our assigned bathroom time. And, she still isn't talking to me. But I'm not taking it personally, she still isn't talking to anyone. Has she talked to you guys?"

They all said no.

"She just lays on her side like in the fetal position. Most of the time she is crying but sometimes she isn't. I try talking to her and offering some supportive words but she doesn't even seem to be listening. She's always just staring out the window. Come to think of...I don't think she has slept either. When I go to sleep her eyes are open and then when I wake up her eyes are always open, and I'm an early riser." Piper continued.

"She hasn't been in the kitchen." Gina said, "Norma and I are there now most of the time; running the kitchen is a tough job, I didn't realize how much you've got to do, I'll give her that."

"You saying she hasn't eaten?" Morello was shocked.

Gina and Norma shook their heads.

"In 3 days? Holy shit, I would've died."

"Boo this isn't the time for a joke..." Morello was trying not to cry.

"Well has anyone heard anything about Nicky yet?" Piper wanted to know.

Again, they all replied with a "No."

*In Red's Bunk*

3 days. It's been 3 days without her girl...without her sweet Nicky...

She hasn't eaten. She wasn't hungry.

She hasn't slept. She wasn't tired.

She wasn't talking. She couldn't get words out. Except the few she mumbled to Healy. She knew he would never let her leave, especially since Nicky wasn't a blood relative, but still she had to ask. For the sake of her daughter, she had to ask.

She didn't even think about what Pornsatche did to her..to them.. She didn't have the strength to get angry, only to feel her natural emotions about her daughter.

This sadness hurt, like mourning. Mourning for your child? That's worse than anything. Red felt like there wasn't a point to her life if Nicky wasn't going to have hers. She didn't know what condition Nicky was in. Surely if she was dead they would've told Litchfield, and by consequence, Healy would've told her, right? Of course, at least Red hoped against hope that that would be the case.

At the worst possible moment she could be thinking these thoughts, she squinted her eyes and looked out of her bunk.

No...

Healy was walking toward her. Maybe he is going to someone else's bunk. She looked around. It was the middle of the day, no one was in their bunks. They were at work or running around the track or something...Red feared for her life.

"Red, can you come to my office? The hospital called."


	8. Chapter 8

Red looked up at Healy.

Was she scared? Excited? Nervous? Anxious? Happy? Sad? Afraid? Eager? She didn't know, maybe none of these, maybe all of them.

"Ok." She said in such a tone that made her sound hollow inside.

She walked 2 feet behind Healy for no particular reason other than she didn't want him to see her face if they walked side by side. She was trying to keep herself calm.

They got to the office and he opened the door for her, she walked in and sat down. He closed the door and sat down behind his desk.

"How are you Red? You doing alright?"

"Healy." She said in such a deadly whisper that meant 'get on with it.'

"Alright." He sighed heavily. "The hospital called and told me what is going to happen."

What is going to happen? What does that mean? Is she ok? Is she dead? She died.. Red's mind was going to give her a panic attack. Tears returned to her eyes, not that they really ever left.

"How's my girl?" Red whispered.

"She's...alive." Healy didn't know how to word it. He didn't want to say 'fine' or 'ok' because the truth was, she wasn't fine or ok.

Red put her head in her hands, rested her elbows on her knees, and cried.

Relief.

Finally she knew that her Nicky was alive and well. And well?

"How is she?" Red asked slowly looking up, afraid of the answer.

"She's in a very critical state. They rushed her to surgery the moment she got there to try and clear her arteries of the drug. But I guess she had a bad heart already?"

"Yes." Red said instinctively. Motherly.

"Well they had complications with that, they did all they could."

"What are you saying?" Her eyes became so large with fear. "She's going to..." She couldn't say it. Not about her girl. Not about her Nicky.

"The doctors said she has a 50% chance of surviving this."

Red immediately couldn't see Healy. At first she thought she fainted, but after a couple of seconds, she realized it was because her eyes were so blurry with tears. She was shaking in her seat.

"Now, Red, you've got to understand, and this is what the doctor told me, that it is a miracle she even survived the ride to the hospital. With her having been on drugs for a week prior to that, her veins were so open and ready to receive the drugs that it just flowed all through her so quickly, the majority of it got directly in her heart."

Healy describing what happened only made it worse. Red knew all of that, but hearing it...that was so hard.

"They tested her for the possible diseases that can come with a dirty needle. They said that that was her biggest concern when she got there. It turns out that the needle wasn't dirty."

"It was clean?" Red was in disbelief.

"That's what the tests said."

For the first time in what was now 4 days, Red had a feeling that was not stemming from her deep depression and anguish.

"Then why is she not ok? What is wrong?" She didn't understand...or maybe she did and she just didn't want to come to terms with it...

"They said it's her heart. It has taken a real beating, it's in a very, very bad condition, according to the doctor. They have her on different medicines and hooked up to a machine to monitor her heart rate. And they can't put her on what they normally would put patients on to regulate their heart beats for them because-"

"Her heart can't handle it. It's too fragile." Red finished, feeling so much despair once again.

"Right."

"So if her heart does stop and they need to revive her..if they can't use the electricity in those paddles and they can't do C.P.R. because they can't press that hard on her chest..then.." she just let the tears roll, and roll, and roll..

"Just have to hope that that doesn't happen." Healy didn't know what to say. "I have to let you know something else."

"Yes?"

"The doctor said that they will be releasing her tomorrow and she is coming back here. There isn't anything more that they can do at the hospital that they can't do at the hospital wing here. So when she comes back she will be in the hospital wing until she is cleared, which the doctor said could take weeks."

Her Nicky was coming back. A small smiled played at the corner of her mouth.

"But please do keep in mind that she is coming off of the hospital drugs now, or at least she will be in the next couple of days, so there will be withdrawals to attend to. The doctor said that he imagines she will go through a nasty detox."

"So the concerns now are the detoxing and the weak heart, the combination of those two are not going to be good. And that's the risk isn't it? Will her heart be able to handle the intense detox?"

"That's what the doctor said."

"Ok."

"Also, when she is back here and for her time in the hospital wing, would you like to attend to her? Be her doctor as it were."

"Yes of course!" Red said, almost standing up. Red smiled a little at the thought of her daughter being back in her care. She had lost her once to that monster of a man, Pornstache, and she lost her again to the hospital and doctors. She wasn't going to lose her again.

"Great. Now, Red," Healy began sincerely, "Can I really put a smile on your face?"

Red didn't know what to say other than "You can try."

"The doctor said at 7pm you can call her."

"Call her? Speak to my girl?"

"Yes. They said I have to call the nurses station, she will transfer the call to Nichols's room and you two can talk."

Red was happy, she thought perhaps her tears were of joy. She looked at the clock, it was 6:47pm.

"Can you call now?" She was too anxious to wait.

"I can try." And he picked up his desk phone, dialed the number, and waited.

What in truth was only 5 or so seconds, felt like an eternity for Red. She was bouncing her legs up and down in anticipation.

Someone answered.

"Hello, this is Mr. Sam Healy from Litchfield Federal Prison, I was told to call at 7 so a patient of yours could speak with someone from here. Yes, her name is Nichole Nichols. Ok, thank you."

They put him on hold. "When she is put on the phone, I'll leave to give you two some privacy."

"Thank you." She mouthed.

The wait was over.

"Ok great thanks." And he handed Red the phone. She took it and didn't know what to think or what to say.

Healy left the room.

"Hello?"

"Ma?"

Red bit her lip hard so as not to cry out. Such relief, hearing her daughter's voice.

Sobbing. On both ends of the phone. Red felt like she had just heard the voice of an angel and was in awe. Well she did didn't she? Nicky was her angel.

"Oh, Nicky." She couldn't say anything else.

"Mommy I miss you."

Red was silent for a moment, trying to find strength for her voice. Hearing Nicky sound so small and weak over the phone just killed her..ripped her heart out.

"I miss you too, sweetheart. You're coming back tomorrow."

"I know that's what they told me."

"And Healy said that I can take care of you while you are in the hospital wing."

"I'm sure even if he didn't offer that you would've found a way to do that. At least you better have."

This put the smallest of smiles on her face. Hearing her daughter want her by her side was something that always reminded Red of the love they shared for each other.

"But Mom..."

"Yes? What is it, my girl?"

"They said I've only got a...50% chance...to live..." Nicky choked out between sobs.

Red's heart broke, that's it, it really was split in two, and boy did she feel the pain of it. She cried so hard and tried to muffle the phone as best she could to not let Nicky hear too much. She still had to protect her girl as best she could, trying to save her from too much worry, even if that meant through the phone.

When Red put her ear back up to the phone she realized that Nicky was in shambles as well, far worse than Red.

"My baby girl..all I want to do is ho..hold you..and.. tell you ev..every...everything is goi..going to be o..ok.."

"To..mor..tomorrow you..can..Ma..morrow..."

They were silent for a moment.

"Mommy I'm so scared." Her voice was such a low whisper that Red barely heard her.

"I am too, my precious girl.."

Nicky's voice was just as shaky and she was sobbing just as uncontrollable as her mother was. "They said..I've gotta get off.."

No, Red thought, not yet.

"Ok." whispered Red.

"I love you."

"I love you more, Nicky."

And the phone clicked off.

Red got up, walked out of Healy's office, nodded a thanks to Healy and walked to her bunk. Once there she laid down on her side, pulled her knees up to her chest, and silently cried.

Her baby girl was coming home to her mommy.

Red knew it was going to be yet another sleepless night.


	9. Chapter 9

It took days for it to be the next morning.

Red got up and did something she hadn't done in 5 days: go to the bathroom when it was her hall's assigned time.

"Good morning." Piper said as cheerfully as she could.

"Morning." Red mumbled.

"How are you?"

At this Red didn't answer but what she did say was "I'll be cooking breakfast today."

"That sounds great. Glad to see you're back." Piper smiled real big and began to brush her teeth.

Red looked at herself in the mirror.

She had. Rey dark, almost black circles underneath her eyes, and large bags. Her eyes were very, very red, her face looked a little droopy, her hair was completely out of place, and her usual fierce look that she got with the makeup was nonexistent.

She sighed, she looked like shit...and felt worse.

Once cleaned up and was as good as she was going to look, she left the bathroom and headed towards the kitchen where she was happy to find her girls.

"Oh my God!" Morello shriek and ran over to Red, giving a big hug. "You're back."

Norma also came over and gave Red a very tight hug.

This love that was being shown to Red was something that she was so happy to receive, and so very grateful for these girls.

"So how is everything?" Morello said in a 'getting down to business' type of way.

"You were able to find out about Nicky, right?"

"Yes, Healy told us." Gin was just now coming out of the walk in freezer.

"Ok. Well, she is coming back today." Red said almost excited.

"Really? Oh that's great! I can't wait to see her." Morello couldn't contain her excitement.

"Lorna, you won't be able to see her when she first gets here and I imagine for the first couple of days."

"Why not?"

"She's got to be out in the hospital wing, she still has something very, very wrong with her."

"Well what is it?" The suspense was killing them.

Red thought that she could make it, at least until she saw Nicky, without crying but explaining this just naturally brought tears to her eyes.

The girls saw this and gasped.

"Because of the drugs and the detoxing and the withdrawal and the shock of what happened and her weak heart..." Red was rambling and it sounded like a jumbled mess because it came out of her mouth so shaky and unsteady.

"So what does all of that mean?" Morello slowly asked.

"She has..a 50% chance of surviving what has happened."

Morello leaned against the wall and sank to the floor.

Red looked at Norma, who had tears in her eyes and went over to hug Red.

Gina just stared off into the distance.

After a few minutes of holding each other and being silent, red found her voice' "Well let's get breakfast going."

And they did.

At breakfast, Morello explained what was happening to the others.

They were all very silent for several moments.

Red walked over to the table.

"Hello."

"Hi." They all chorused, but they spoke in such a way that made it seem like they thought Red was a thin piece of glass that they didn't want to break.

"So, today is the day Nicky comes back, as you all know I'm sure."

"How do you feel, Red? It's been, well it feels like a really long time since you've been with us." Boo said, sounding very sincere.

"I'm doing better than I was, considering what happens today." And she left it at that. But what she wanted to say was, "But at the same time, I feel like I'm being suffocated. Like someone is holding a towel over my face and is pouring water on it so I can't breathe and I'm gasping for air but I cant get any and then panic sets in and my gasping intensities but it only makes it worse as realization hits again and again and again."

"Glad to hear it, we need you back to normal soon. Come to yoga one day, it'll relax you." Yoga Jones offered.

"I will consider that. Thank you for the offer." Red said, knowing she would never do yoga. It hurt her back to much to bend over half of the time, no way she would be able to do what was instructed in that class.

"So what time will she be here?" Piper asked.

"I'm not sure, I wasn't told." Red had been wondering the same thing ever since she found out that her girl would be coming back to her. "She's here now, I think." Red didn't think before she said that but she did feel before she said that.

And just as she finished that sentence, Healy was coming up to their table.

"Sorry to interrupt ladies. Red, Nichols is here, so if you want you can come with me."

Red's smile was the biggest it had been in days, "Girls, you understand if I leave you?"

"Yes, of course. Go. Tell her I said hello." Morello was almost pushing Red up herself.

And with a nod to them, she turned and left with Healy.

"Damn, talk about a mother's instinct. You heard her? One second she doesn't know when she is coming and the next second she says she is here and Healy comes to tell her? Shit." Alex was just saying what they were all thinking.

Healy and Red were walking quickly down the hall way.

"She's in the hospital wing now. She's still asleep and the paramedic said she will be for the next hour or so until the meds wear off."

They reached the door to the hospital wing.

"Red look, across the hall is the nurse's office. So if you need them-"

"I don't. I'll take care of her."

Healy knew, much like everyone else, that in all honesty, Red was the perfect one to take care of Nicky. Better than any doctor or nurse could ever be because Red would make sure Nicky had the most absolute perfect care and would make sure that Nicky was as comfortable as she ever could be at all times.

Healy smiled. "Ok then." And he put a hand on Red's shoulder, "If you need anything, please call."

"Thank you."

And with that he left.

Red opened the door and walked inside. She immediately laid eyes on her girl, who was sleeping in a hospital bed. There was already a chair next to Nicky's bed waiting for her.

Red didn't know what to do or what to think. She walked over to the foot of Nicky's bed and just stared at her. She looked at her eyes, which were closed and looked so calm. She looked at her hair, her massive curls that looked tangled as ever, "We will have to brush that out." She whispered to no one in particular. She looked at her hands and wrists, they were all bruised and rough looking, "Those better be from the IV's." She whispered to no one in particular.

And where she dreaded to look but knew she had to eventually, she looked at her chest. Red cringed. It was very dark with bruises, no doubt from Mendez practically punching her in the chest. Her eyes became teary. She noticed the very long scar, not the one Nicky always had, but the new one that they gave her just a couple of days ago. It was still pink and fresh looking and Red sobbed at the thought of why that nasty scar was there. She went over to the chair, sat down and grabbed her daughter's hand. She gently arranged her fingers so that she could rub her thumb softly back and forth over the top of Nicky's hand. She closed her eyes with the last thing she saw being her and her daughter's fingers intertwined.

Red cried until she fell asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Red opened her eyes very slowly. Something was on her head...playing with her hair..? Nicky!

Red's face was in the direction opposite of Nicky's so her daughter didn't know that she was awake. Red was amused at the fact that her daughter was the one stroking her hair, when it had always been the other way around, a pleasant change. So Red closed her eyes and enjoyed it a little while longer, trying to get the moment to last as long as she could let it- she wanted to look up at her Nicky so bad, but decided to wait for a couple more minutes; this was nice.

Finally after not being able to take it any more she slowly opened her eyes and turned her head to look up at her girl.

"Good morning, Ma."

Red's eyes watered and in something only just above a whisper, she replied, "It is. It is a good morning, my sweet girl." And she sat up and kissed her daughter's cheek. They simply stared at each other and smiled a genuine smile, which neither one of them had done for 6 days, 2 hours, and 42 minutes..but who was counting.

"How are you, Nicky?" The concern in her voice was so present.

"Considering the condition of my health, I'm doing real shitty. Considering the fact that I'm back with you, I'm doing just fine." She smiled, "So I guess I'm just fine."

Red returned Nicky's smile with one of her own, although her lips were quivering.

"You haven't stopped crying." It was not a question, Nicky said a little sad.

And out of nowhere, Red exclaimed, "Well what did you except?" She sounded harsher than she meant to as she stood up and walked towards the other side of the room, her back towards Nicky as she spoke. "It has not been easy here, not even in the slightest, without you here. Did you think that I was going to go on as normal? Cooking for everyone and cleaning the kitchen with the girls like we have always done?" She didn't know where this was coming from, but she couldn't stop. "Having a great time and joking around about this and that or whatever, like we always do?"

The longer she spoke, the louder she got.

The longer she spoke, the heavier her crying became.

"Are you blaming me?" Nicky sounded so small and afraid.

Before she even looked at her, just hearing her voice in that way, broke Red's heart into a thousand pieces.

She turned around and looked at Nicky. Her beautiful daughter, inside and out. Her precious daughter who needed nothing but Red to protect her and love her and comfort her. Her beloved daughter who she wanted nothing but the best for her. Her self sacrificing daughter who would rather this happen to her a million times than for it to happen to Red once. That's why Nicky tackled Mendez and let him stab her.

"No, my precious girl. I never have, I never will."

She walked back over to her daughter's bedside, knelt down and put her head in her lap, and cried like she did the night Nicky was taken to the hospital. A terrible, horrific, and blood curdling cry, that was muffled by the blankets but still very audible. A cry that made Red sound so wounded as if she was experiencing the slowest and most agonizing pain of her life.

Nicky couldn't stand to see her like this. "Ma," she tried through her own nonstop tears, "You're suppose to be stronger than this. You're my rock." Nicky was running her fingers through her mother's spiky red hair.

Red looked up at her daughter, "How can I be your rock?" Red's sniffling made her sound like she had a nasty cold. "I..I couldn't..he pushed me down...I...couldn't get to you..couldn't..get him...off of you...couldn't stop him...couldn't..I...couldn't stop him...couldn't stop him..sorry..I'm so..sorry..I..couldn't stop him, couldn't stop..him...couldn't.." And she nestled her head further into Nicky's lap, unable to continue because her sobs made it impossible to.

Nicky had tears streaming down her cheeks but she was silent. She was heart broken. She understood: Red didn't blame her, Red blamed herself.

"Ma." Nicky tried to get Red to look up at her. "Mom, look at me."

She looked up at Nicky's command. Her eyes were so, so puffy and bloodshot that it sort of pained Nicky to keep looking into her mother's eyes. Nicky was sure that her eyes looked the same though.

"It's not your fault that this happened to me."

Red started to nod her head in disagreement but Nicky put her hands on her mother's cheeks, cupping her face like so often was the reverse.

"Remember this?"

Red closed her eyes.

"Who does this? You cups the face of who? Who has told who that 'it is not your fault' a million times?"

Red's eyes remained closed, tears still leaking through her closed lids.

"Ma, look at me."

Hesitant but complying, Red opened her eyes.

"This is not your fault. I am alright, or at least I will be. You'll help me through this like you always do and I'll get better like I always do. We are the best team, you and I."

"I'm sorry, I've just been holding that in for a while."

"Well I'm here now. Right here with you, where I should be. It's over, I'll get through the detox and I'll be fine."

"Im going to take care of you, Nicky." Red whispered, after she had calmed down a little.

"I know." Nicky said in that voice that Red loved. It was that safe and secure voice. The voice that said "I know you'd never let anything bad happen to me because you're my mom."

And they talked about all of the wonderful memories they had together.

Little did they know, Nicky was going to be knocking on death's doorstep later that night. It was going to be a long, sleepless night.


	11. Chapter 11

"Good morning, Nicky." Red laughed quietly as she tried to confuse her daughter.

"Morning."

"How'd you sleep?"

"Alright I guess. How did you sleep?"

"I didn't."

"You were up all night?"

"Honey, it's only 2 in the afternoon. You only took a nap."

"Then why did you- oh, whatever." And Nicky made that pouting face that Red thought was annoying sometimes but other times was rather cute; this one was cute.

"I want to make you lunch. What would you like?"

"Anything sounds wonderful. I've only eaten that fake hospital food for the past week, disgusting."

"Sounds like you could use a home cooked meal by your mother."

Nicky beamed at her, realizing just how much she missed the comfort that Red brought her.

"Would you like mashed potatoes?"

"Ma, I swear I had a dream about those like the second night I was at the hospital."

"Alright, I'll make them just how you like them. I'll be about 30 minutes, you're going to be alright?"

"Ma, look at me. I'll be bored out of my mind but I'll be alright."

Red reached out and grabbed her daughter's hand who immediately coiled her fingers around her mother's.

"I'll be back." Red let go of her daughter's hand, kissed the top of her head and headed towards the kitchen.

On her way to the kitchen, Red spotted Morello walking towards her down the hall.

"Hey Red, how is she?"

"She seems to be alright. So far, so good."

"Can I see her? Please lemme go see her!" Morello pleaded.

"Alright. But don't stay for too long. Her heart can't start racing and I know you have that effect on her." Red winked, entertaining the idea that Nicky and Lorna had a special relationship.

"I won't, I'll only stay for 5 minutes. Thank you." Morello said gratefully and headed to see Nicky.

Morello opened the door to the hospital wing.

"Nichols!"

"Hiya!"

Morello practically ran over but slowed down as she got closer, remembering what Red said and knowing that that was important. She hugged her.

"How you hanging in there?"

"I'm hanging. How are you?"

"I'm doing better now that you're back. I missed you, everyone did."

"I missed you guys too. A lot. Do you know what's going on with me?"

"Yeah, Red's told us a lot, not everything though. Only what she thinks we can handle I guess. She's been really good about keeping us informed and still being there for us like always. Well, except really in the beginning."

"Why? What's wrong with her?"

"Well she is getting better now, a lot better actually. But Nicky...oh my God... She was a wreck, an absolute mess."

"How?"

"Well I mean, she didn't eat."

"What?!"

"Yeah, she wouldn't eat for the first 3 or 4 days. She didn't do anything. She laid in her bed all day. Well except when she went to see Healy. Nichols, get this. She went to Healy every hour on the hour asking if she could come and see you."

"Why? She knows they would never let her leave here for that."

"Oh yeah, she knows that. She said she had to do it anyways. Every hour for the first 4 days. I'm glad you didn't see her like that. She was in such a bad way.." Morello let her thought trail off as she got lost in the memory of Red's mourning state.

"Wow." Nicky's heart was touched.

"If you ever doubted she loved you more than anything, you don't need to anymore."

"Thanks for telling me this."

"Oh, it's no problem. I'm just glad you're back, we all are...especially Red."

"Come here." And Nicky gave Morello a giant hug.

"Alright, I've gotta go."

"Ok, I'll miss you until I see you again, kid."

Morello turned around to walk to the door, her hand on the handle, she turned slightly to look at Nicky.

"You know, Nichols, you've got a damn good mother. Red loves you more than anything in the world. Just thought you ought to know."

"Thank you."

And Morello left.

Nicky didn't realize before but she had broke into a sweat at some point. She knew what was coming and feared the worst. She filled her thoughts with the one thought that could make any part of this bearable: Red.

*in the kitchen*

"Norma, I'm so happy that Nicky is back. You know, she said she dreamed of eating my potatoes? Sweet girl."

Norma grinned from ear to ear, as Red finished making her mashed potatoes.

"Ok, I don't know when I'll be back but could you take the lead when it comes to dinner?"

Norma nodded.

"Thank you, Norma." Red put her hand on her shoulder and smiled.

She grabbed the bowl of mashed potatoes and headed to see her sweet girl.

*in Nicky's room*

Red entered the room.

"Nicky, I've got mashed potatoes for you, my sweet girl." Red said in a chipper voice that she hadn't had in a week.

Red didn't hear a response. She set the potatoes on the table and walked up to her daughter who was sleeping. Red looked her over as she got closer. She looked red and a little sweaty. Red put her hand to her forehead.

"Jesus Christ!" Red gasped. She was burning up. Like unnaturally burning up. Panic filled Red's body- she knew this was coming but didn't think it would be this bad.

Red thought back to the first detox she helped Nicky through, which was her worst one to date. Red remembered the heat from her daughter's body that was radiating and it wasn't as bad as Nicky was now.

Red was scared.

She put her hand on her daughter's chest to feel her heart. A very slow pulse she had.

Red was terrified.

She did the only thing she could think to do: cool her daughter down.

Red took the blanket off of Nicky and removed her socks.

She looked up at Nicky and wiped her hand over her forehead, pushing back the hair that had matted from the sweat.

"Nicky. Nicky!"

No response.

She passed out from the heat, no doubt, Red thought.

She ran to the shower to turn on the water, turning the faucet as far as it could go on the cold side, and then ran back to her daughter.

Once back at her side, Red put her arm around Nicky's neck and slowly started to sit her up. As if her daughter willed it, she started to wake up a little.

"Ma..."

"We've got to get you in the shower."

Red helped her sit up more and grabbed her legs and moved them around to the floor.

"Ready?" She looked her daughter in the eye who never took her eyes off of her mother's.

Nicky just groaned in agony.

Red lifted Nicky to her feet and leaned as much of her daughter's weight onto her as she could. Together they hobbled over to the shower.

Once there, Red leaned Nicky against the wall and steadied her with her right arm. With her left hand she felt Nicky's forehead again.

Hotter than before. Was this even possible? Red feared for her daughter's life.

"Ma..."

"You're going to be alright. I've just got to get you to sit down in the shower, can you do that for me? I'm going to help you."

Red put her hand under the running water to make sure it was cool enough. It was ice cold and Red knew she was going to feel the pain off it but she had to go in there.

For her girl.

For her Nicky.

Red put her arm underneath Nicky's arm and carried her, for lack of a better word, as best she could into the shower.

Red gasped as the freezing cold water hit her skin. But she kept on keeping on, for her girl.

Red was able to lean against the wall and turn Nicky ever so slowly so that her back was to her front. She leaned Nicky's back against her chest and then, herself, leaned against the shower wall and slowly sank into a seated position.

"Ma.."

"It's ok. We are just going to sit down ok?"

Finally Red was sitting on the ground but she had to adjust Nicky a little so she was properly sitting. Red pushed her legs out to safely secure her daughter between her legs and put her hands on Nicky's shoulders and slowly brought her back, leaning her daughter against her chest.

The water was hitting the top of Nicky's head.

Red put her hand over Nicky's forehead in a salute form so the water wouldn't run into her daughter's eyes. The other hand she had to use to continue checking the temperature of her daughter's forehead, so water got in her own face.

She felt Nicky's forehead, she was starting to cool down, but only ever so slightly.

"Ma.."

"Shhh, Nicky it's ok. You're going to be alright, just allow the water to cool you down."

Red soothed her as best she could; she had water spraying in her eyes and on her face, she was absolutely the coldest she had ever been in her life, and she was panicking- these were the moments that the doctor warned them about. She tried to stay calm as best she could, for her girl. For her Nicky.

Red was so cold her teeth were chattering. Nicky was so hot she probably was still sweating.

"Nicky? Nicky, honey, can you hear me?"

"Hmmm?" Was all Nicky could get out.

"Are you in any pain?"

"Little."

Red knew the start of it had happened. She had to get her medicine, but she also couldn't leave her here by herself; after all, Nicky probably couldn't hold herself up.

Red put a cold hand to Nicky's forehead. Still warm but not burning, good.

"Ma..dizzy..." Nicky said, kind of slurred.

"Close your eyes, my sweet girl. Just close your eyes and focus on your breathing."

As best she could, Red exaggerated her breaths.

"Can you feel me breathing?"

"Mhmm." Was all Nicky could get out.

"Feel me breathing and match our breaths. Breathe with me. Relax, my darling girl."

This seemed to really calm Nicky. She didn't seem as tense as she had been in the last half hour or so.

Feeling her forehead and deciding they should make their way back so Nicky could get to her bed, Red instructed Nicky careful.

"Nicky I need you to listen to me. I'm going to get up and stand in front of you, grab your hands and help you up. Ok? I want you to try your best to stand up when I help you, ok? Can you do that for me?"

"Yes." Nicky whispered.

Red carefully maneuvered her legs in such a way that she would be able to stand up without too much of a struggle; all the while keeping a saluted hand over Nicky's eyes to protect them from the water still spraying out.

Using her other arm to steady her daughter, Red was able to stand up and get in front of Nicky without causing too much of a disruption to her girl.

"Nicky take my hands." Red said so gently.

Nicky reached up as far as she could manage but Red had to bend over a far way to get her daughter's hands in her own.

"I'm going to count to 3, on 3 I'm going to pull you up but I need you to help me as much as you can." Red knew her back was going to regret this. She knew her back's limits and this far exceeded them, but she would do it a million times if it would help her sweet girl. "1, 2, 3, stand up." Red pulled and, indeed, her back pain surged over her whole body but she didn't let up.

Nicky seemed to have some type of strength still in her because she stood up on the first attempt. Just outside of the shower, Red took Nicky's gown off, that was obviously drenched with water, and dried her off. She then helped Nicky into a new, dry gown.

"Come on, let's get you back to bed."

And, just like they walked to the bathroom, they walked back to the bed, slow and steady.

Red sat Nicky on the bed and brought her feet up onto one end of the bed. She put one strong hand on Nicky's back and the other on the back of her head and guided Nicky down to the pillow comforts that awaited her.

Nicky sighed a little in contentment.

Red put a hand to Nicky's forehead, the fever was really starting to go away, which was good...and bad. That means she would start screaming in pain soon. Red didn't know if she could bare it. But she supposed she would have to stay strong for her little girl.

"Ma?"

"Yes, sweetheart?" Red asked, brushing the still damp hair off of Nicky's forehead and away from her face.

"It hurts." Nicky made a face that told Red that the pain was starting. This was the part that Red hated most of all.

"Alright, honey. You're going to be fine, you are strong. You can do this, it'll be ok."

There was nothing they could do but wait for it to be over. Red soothed Nicky through both gestures, like running her fingers through her hair or holding her hand, and words like "You're going to be alright, sweetheart. I'm here, I'm here."

About 30 minutes into it, the pain became almost unbearable. Nicky was whimpering and shaking like crazy, crying, no screaming out. Red's eyes began to water as her heart broke more and more for her little girl.

Nicky reached out her arms.

At first Red didn't know what she wanted. Perhaps for her to hold her? So she reached out herself and Nicky immediately opened and closed her fingers as if to say "Come here."

So Red leaned closer and it's a good thing she knew how to read her daughter because Nicky grabbed hold of Red's neck and pulled her very close.

Nicky hung onto Red for dear life. Red returned the hug with not as much force as Nicky was putting into it, but with enough that Nicky knew she was secure in her embrace.

Red tightened her embrace every now and then because she could feel her daughter shaking hard in her arms. Red knew this was the worst of the pain.

And then all of a sudden, Nicky stopped shaking. She stopped crying, she stopped screaming.

Red's heart dropped down to her stomach and a lump formed in her throat.

"Nicky?"

No response.

Red was terrified to let go of her girl and look at her.

"Nicky? Nicky?" She released her daughter to look at her but Nicky's head lulled back, completely slack and relaxed.

"Nicky!" Red cried as she grabbed Nicky's cheeks and pulled her head back towards her so she could look at her face. "Nicky! Nicky!" Red's crying was uncontrollable.

"No, no, no!" Red was beside herself, the doctors said 50%... She put her hand to Nicky's neck..no pulse. "No..." Red was panicking, terrified, scared, all of the feelings you never want to feel..What do I do? Red thought.

Red laid her daughter flat on the bed and did something she knew would never work but did it anyways.

Once Nicky was laid out flat on the bed, Red put her mouth to her daughter's and blew as much air as she could. Red was attempting C.P.R. but only partially, Red remembered of course that Nicky couldn't have her heart pressed on.

"Come on, Nicky!" Red breathed into her again.

"Nicky you can't, you can't...please." Red's tears got on Nicky's face as she breathed into her again.

"My darling girl I need you..I need you here with me." Red breathed into her again as her crying became more violent than it had the night Nicky was taken to to the hospital.

"Nicky.." Red just barley whispered as she tried again. She felt for a pulse.

"Oh my God.." Red felt a faint pulse. She breathed into her again.

The pulse was stronger.

She breathed all the life she could offer into her daughter.

Her crying was uncontrollable, she was shaking and sobbing and crying out, screaming out.

Then, Red saw it.

Nicky's eyes fluttered beneath her eye lids.

Red felt for her pulse, it was there.

Slowly, very slowly, Nicky opened her eyes.

Red wiped her tears as best she could but tears of sorrow just turned into tears of joy.

"Mommy?"

"My baby girl." Red grabbed Nicky's hand and kissed it after every sentence. "My sweet girl." kiss, "Thought I lost you." kiss, "My Nicky." kiss.

"Wait, I was dead?"

Red couldn't get the words out so she just nodded.

"Put how did I? Wait you didn't do C.P.R. did you? My heart is too-"

"Kind of. I just breathed into you. Didn't push on your chest."

"Mouth to mouth?"

Red nodded again.

"I didn't know just that could work."

"Neither did I, but thank God it did."

"Do you want water or something?" Red said, still in tears.

"No, no, I'm ok." Nicky said slowly, still taking in what just happened. "I am kind of tired though."

Red put a hand to Nicky's forehead, felt normal.

"Are you in any pain? Does anything hurt?"

"No Ma, I'm ok." Nicky smiled and then as an after thought added, "Just like you said I would be."

Now it was Red's turn to smile.

"You haven't changed yet?" Nicky said, looking at Red who was still in her clothes from the shower.

Only just realizing, Red gave a small smile and changed into a gown herself since there wasn't anything else to wear.

"Well then you should get some rest, my sweet girl." Red got up from her chair to kiss Nicky on the forehead and headed for the other bed next to Nicky's. But as she was about to walk away, Red felt a tug on her arm. She looked down and saw that Nicky had grabbed her hand.

Like many a nights in the past, Red knew what this mean, "You want me to stay." It wasn't a question.

"Mommy, will you sleep here with me?" And, knowing she would say yes, Nicky started to scoot over to one side of the bed before Redeven gave her answer.

"Yes, of course, sweetheart." And Red climbed into her bed. Unlike the beds back in the main part of the prison, this one was big enough for the both of them.

Once Red got situated, Nicky snuggled up next to her wonderful mother.

"You know, Nicky, I was extremely scared that that 50% survival rate was not going to go in our favor after today. I was.." Red started to cry.

Nicky looked up at Red. Nicky took one look at her mother. Her beautiful mother, inside and out. Her precious mother who did nothing but protect her and love her and comfort her. Her beloved mother who wanted nothing but the best for her. Her self sacrificing mother who would rather this happen to her a million times than for it to happen to Nicky once.

"You know Ma, Morello told me how you acted when I was gone. You didn't eat or sleep or talk or anything."

"Yes." Was all Red could get out.

"I just want you to know that if the roles were reversed, I'd do everything you did for me, for you. I look up to you so much, and not just as a perfect role model, which you are, but also as a mom. You know? Maybe one day, I'll have kids, I just gotta watch you and how you take care and protect me and I'll be the perfect mom, just like you."

Red was beaming with how much Nicky's words meant to her. And she didn't have to verbalized it, Nicky could tell, her eyes told her daughter everything she needed to know.

"Can I tell you something?" Nicky asked, quietly.

"Anything."

"You love me. And you don't need to say it. I can see it, through your actions and in your words. When I look at you, I see my beautiful mother, inside and out. My precious mother who does nothing but protect me and love me and comfort me. My beloved mother who wants nothing but the best for me. My self sacrificing mother who would rather this happen to you a million times than for it to happen to me once. And what I'm trying to say is, I'm so grateful," Nicky started to choke up, "because no one else, would do this for me, not even my biological mother. And for all of that, and for all of who you are to me..I love you, more than anything."

Red's heartstrings were pulled to the point of breaking. Her girl thought that of her? Her Nicky? Red began to cry along with Nicky in the beautiful moment.

"Nicky. You have been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have a daughter, a beautiful daughter. One I can talk to about anything and everything and I'll always get a laugh out of or comforting words. When you come to me with a problem you're going through whether it be big or small, I feel so important to you and I feel so trusted by you. And to hear you say that," the tears choked her up, "it means everything to me. And yes, of course, my sweet girl, I do love you, more than anything in the world." And Red kissed Nicky's forehead.

Together the beautiful mother and daughter fell asleep, side by side, hand in hand, how they both wanted it and needed it to be. They were there for each other and they knew that about each other. They loved each other more than anything and that's what kept their worlds turning.

A beloved mother and her precious daughter drifted off to sleep, excited to wake up the next morning and start life again in prison, where neither of them wanted to be, but because they had each other, where they both were eternally grateful to be.


End file.
